As I sit and think about the last few days, I am overcome with a feeling of gratitude. I am grateful for life, love, and most of all the ability to forgive and be forgiven. I believe we can all say that we’ve made mistakes in our lives…some that affect only us and some that affect others. Being able to apologize for those mistakes is a very important part of our character. I’ve learned over the last several years to apologize quickly when I realize that I have done something or said something that is unkind, hateful, or just plain inconsiderate. I’m ashamed that I didn’t learn this (or didn’t choose to practice this) earlier in my life….but I guess it’s better late than never. It is equally important to develop the ability to accept an apology. I’m guilty of not truly accepting an apology….I say that “It’s okay,” but deep down harbor feelings of being unfairly treated….but I’m working on that and feel that I am better equipped to do this as I grow as a Christian.
A few days ago, I traveled to visit my father. My father and I haven’t had the closest relationship. He and my mother divorced when I was two years old and from there we saw each other only a handful of times. I have hidden feelings of hate, confusion, resentment; you name it….I’ve felt it, all directed at him. You see, I’ve always heard negative things about what caused the divorce and about him in general, courtesy of my mother. I realize that it was a manifestation of her hurt, but to me, this is extremely unfair. As a child, I had no business knowing the reason for their separation, I just should have been assured that my father loved me…. I also should have been allowed to love him and talk about him, instead of being made to feel guilty for having happy memories. As I grew older, it was extremely hard for me to share my feelings so I compartmentalized them. This is what has led to my visit to see him.
I recently shared my faith story with a special group of people. After I shared, one person asked the question that opened up my neat little compartment where I had my dad tucked away. She asked, “What happened to your dad? Where was he in all of this?” At first, I shrugged it off and said “well, he sends a card each Christmas, and I’m okay with that.” Then I added, “I’m working on that relationship.” But in reality…..I wasn’t. I’d pretty much given up on ever restoring that relationship…..until this question was asked. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking about it….so I started praying about it. I mean, I had been praying about it off and on….but never with my whole heart. It was a prayer of duty…you know, honor your mother and father. However, I was not truly honoring him because I wasn’t doing anything to make a connection or to show my love for him. Needless to say, I had an overwhelming urge to visit with him….. we all know that it was God speaking to me.
I texted my stepmother to see if she could arrange a visit….because I had such a great relationship with my father that I didn’t want to text or call him {insert sarcasm here}. I expressed to her the reason I wanted to visit and she was delighted. She set it up and told me that she was glad I was doing this now because his mental state was altering. You see, my dad is at the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. This was news to me and it made me very sad….sad that I hadn’t made the effort to get reconnected with him sooner…
I arrived at my dad’s house, and within the first hour witnessed the ugly truth of the memory issues he was having….my heart hurt. Moments of childlike behavior, irritation, and anger are just a few of the things I observed. I quickly began to realize that it was a true blessing that God was working on me to get here as soon as possible. Now, to start the difficult conversation to get the answers that I needed from him. He began to open up about their life together before marriage and in the early years of their marriage. I learned so much! Then my father took responsibility for the demise of their relationship….full responsibility. It was the most humbling thing I have ever witnessed. He apologized for the way things turned out and what he had learned. He went on to tell me that he was proud of me, he said I had grown in to a beautiful woman and he was proud of the way I have raised my family. He was proud of me! I think that I have waited my whole life to get this affirmation from him.
I know that my life, this far, hasn’t been the ideal life…..but it’s my life. It’s the life path that God has put me on. I’m sure that I have strayed off of the exact path, but in every obstacle I have been steered back to the intended path. I know this because I believe in God and He has a plan for me. I truly believe that I have a bigger purpose. I’m listening…..and my heart is open to You and I am seeking You.
~Devery